My preface: Barbara did not write this. It is my estimation and my attempt to understand and see at least a fair portion of what she has experienced. Somehow, my "objective" description of her new situation seemed inadequate of portraying what occurred for her (Barbara's Reaction To A Wonderful New Dawning).
This, indeed, reminds us of how great we are. And that our greatness is not measured by our accomplishments or our circumstances, but in our indomitable will to keep fighting the dragons of life. Those who have bigger and/or more plentiful dragons that they must fight are examples of ultimate human courage, as they stay in there (when many a person would give up) battling and battling, and trying their very best.
I have always admired that fight, that courage, that human will in others...and even in myself.
I have been fortunate in that I learned what would work for me.
And, so, it is my objective to help those who are struggling with the dragons to help them learn what it takes to fight and defeat, even disappear, their dragons.
And, for those with similar struggles, may you get something of value from this attempt at distinguishing what we all, in perhaps lesser ways, experience as a part of being human.
And, may you experience the great victory that is yours if you follow the right path for you, to which I hopefully can contribute...
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MY JOURNEY OF TERROR, AND, FINALLY…
Short days, missing days, days of lower functioning and feeling terrible, doubting myself…
And feeling the terror of an attack of hyperventilation (HV) that is like a gran mal seizure....
The battle to cope with it, to overcome it, often defeated by it…
But arising from the ashes like a phoenix to do battle with it again and again, getting up, rekindling, with new determination, yet some always-present trepidation.
Will I win? Will the doctors help me, will I find the solutions?
The path seems so very long.
Can I have a life?
Will I be cured if I do the 45 minute a day of relaxation and breathing and other practices that the expert says will work if I do it for a whole year, but can I stick to it or will I fail to discipline myself to do such a gargantuan effort?
But I feel so tired and so often so discouraged. Will I make it? Will life be worth living? Will I always be so afraid? Will life always be such a struggle? Do I have to live in dread of “the next time” and the next time…
But I MUST try to go out there to be with great people, even risking the inevitable attack of the HV and the almost unbearable, or seemingly unbearable, wipe out physically, psychologically, thrown into days of exhaustion, the gloom of disappointment, the new hopelessness of it all, trying over and over again, yet defeated over and over again.
How can I even expect anything beyond defeat?
Then…a brief respite.
A brief time where I feel Ok…
And then “it” happens again – in many ways...
Maybe not the terror of the HV, but the thought of how terrible it would be to have to be isolated, alone, a harsh, empty existence for me, perhaps worse than the HV…
And, then, again, I must go out and brave it all, I must be among people even with the risks…
And then I get out there and wham!
Somebody I fear comes up to me and before I know it, I am in HV, my body slammed against the wall, pushed to the limit, filled with the poisons of extreme anxiety, pushing me all the way to the edges of terror and then into the great abyss, falling for days..
And then a glimmer of light, a little bit of recovery, some semblance of energy, some hope, yet still no hope…
But maybe…
And I continue the journey with thoughts of giving up… but somehow I will find the solution – maybe these helpers will do it? Am I ok, do I have hope, tell me! Don’t push me, don’t fault me, don’t label me a victim, I’m trying my hardest. I WANT TO SURVIVE, I WANT TO BE NORMAL!!! Hear me, give me the understanding I need, give me compassion, give me support, be gentle with me, help me…
I’ve been fighting this all my life, going down to defeat, hearing the voice of my mother and re-experiencing how crestfallen I felt, never able to do enough, be enough, never able to really get her love, never able to finally feel at ease or even feel OK, never able to compare to her or the others she compared to me.
Hear me. Tell me that the fear I feel makes sense!
I’m so tired. I am living in terror of the next terror of HV, or of isolation. Trapped between two closing walls that will crush me…
Will I ever beat it?
Somehow I must keep going on, but should I? Should I quit? No, I must go on.
And then, suddenly , one day…
I revisit something I looked at before and it strikes me that this might work…
I try it…
And I get this feeling that my body is finally letting go of the constant tension, of being full of lactic acid, of being tied in knots that I couldn’t release or even get massaged out – and the fatigue of constant battle among my muscles lifts – and things miraculously seem so much easier!!!!! And I have so much more energy!!!
But even greater, I find myself with others and I’m not slammed into fight or flight mode,
…I am, instead, without effort or tension, engaging in very good conversation, expressing my abilities, letting out my natural warmth and good feeling for others, and I don’t even feel I need everybody’s approval any more!
And, dare I say it?
I feel happy.
I FEEL HAPPY!!!!!!
I’ve come out of the darkness, into the light, MY LIGHT!
And, I feel at peace,
Yet excited,
Excited about the possibilities of life
Now what? How shall I fill up the space that was taken with all the pain and fear and fatigue?
With all this space opened up and no long filled up with the darkness, what do I do now?
I guess I just get to create whatever I want.
I’ll figure it out!
But for now I will just enjoy this feeling, this new dawning, and…
JUST BE HAPPY!!!!!
