Whether a coach or simply a person who wants to be supportive, there are a few principles and/or ways to doing things that one should be aware of.
This is presented here in terms of feedback from a person who has been consulting with this person for awhile, where there is a style the "advisor" has developed that is not very workable.
FEEDBACK TO PAY ATTENTION TO
Sensitive and kind
You're not very sensitive or kind and you're being brusque and challenging with me too soon. A person need to go through stages when in stress. There is no way the person is up to dealing with the challenges while the person is in stress. [Very true. It is not productive to try to be objective and reasoning when a person is not in an objective, rational (reasoning) state. Although not exactly the same, it has similarities with the old truth: "Never try to reason with an irrational (unreasonable) person."]
Timing and being appropriate to what is needed
If I'm at this level, it is not the time to go to a higher level. It''s too early to say what one wants to do about it or even to start correcting his/her language - it wastes time and distracts from the process of letting go of the stress so that one can listen and deal with it at a higher level. Let me complete the process 1st.
[So, it is a process of active listening, but not yet advising, until the person feels complete enough to go to something else. Active listening is simply trying to understand, making supportive statements of what the listener is understanding and validating the emotions themselve (not the facts necessarily)]
A warm manner needed
I think there is a kinder, gentler way to get to what you want answered - when I am ready. I want you to ask in a way that sounds more caring.
When I am into the stress I'm feeling, I need a warm manner from you. I would benefit far more from that.
Your tone is important, especial when dealing with initmate issues that are painful to talk about and more important than asking for more content. [In other words, don't ask her to define something further, yet, as she is in the process of talking about things in order to get them out, so to speak.]
Being appreciative
You don't even seem to value my trying to impart this to you. When you say "I got it", it seems almost dismissive or too objective and unappreciative. One gets the feeling you don't appreciate it at all.
It would be better if you expressed appreciation and affirmed what you got from me, rather than some super brief statement. I need to know that you heard what I was saying, even if you don't agree with it all. I do want to know what you agree with.
[I've got to remember this, as part of building the reinforcement and support necessary.]
