To my dear friend:
I know and can relate to all you are going through. And, from the outside and from my perspective, I see and have huge respect for your intelligence and capability. This is to all of those whose lives I can touch, but it is written specifically for you.
__________________________________________________________
JUST PART OF LIFE
What you are experiencing is similar to the process of riding a bike as it is related to integrity (not like the moralistic version, but like the "workability", non-right/wrong version).
This initial awkwardness in life is part of being human and the learning process, where we must, by the law of gravity, at first be unskilled.
THE LACK OF INTEGRITY OF A BICYCLE; WHY "LIFE IS HARD"
One has a bike where the rear wheel is put together pretty well and enough of a structure to have the body of the bike work. However, the front wheel is flat and missing several spokes and there is no seat installed yet and the handle bars are too short for some reason. (Those represent those things you have not yet learned, yet they do not deny the value of what has been learned and the progress already made. There is just a lack of learning and implementing what else is needed to make things work easily. There is no right/wrong or good/bad about it - it is simply missing so far, since it hasn't been installed!)
One gets on the bike, feeling this uncomfortability and danger if one sits fully on the pipe leading to where the seat should be and then one pumps the pedals, one of which is missing so one has to push on the little knob on that side. Then one finally gets it going but it seems so hard, given the flat tire and the effort required to move, all the time worrying about the spokes that are missing as the front wheel is flexing out of shape too much.
Of course, one "damns" the difficulty of riding a bike [equivalent to "life is hard"]. And, as long as one stays inside the "pickle" that one is in and complains and 'efforts' alot, one seems stuck in it.
THE "POSSIBILITIES" VIEW POINT
But if one somehow gets the idea that there are possibilities of having things work better, then one begins to explore what can be done, as one wants the bike to work better [and we notice that others seem to be riding their bikes with ease and going fast without effort - so, logically, there must be a way]. Then, being and acting in that paradigm [open, "possibilities" way of looking at things], one begins to copy those who are riding easily, noticing that they don't have a missing pedal nor a wheel out of shape - and concluding that there must be some possibility there. So one seeks to learn by reading but also by taking the shorter quicker route of getting up to speed of simply asking the 'easy riders' what their [so-called] secrets are.
GEE, LIFE IS EASY...
Without going through all the other details of what one does, soon, based on the concept of having all the pieces in working order, one has fixed the seat, the handlebars, the pedal, and the spokes and repaired the flat tire. Then one gets on the bike and rides easily, wondering why one didn't just do that sooner and why he/she didn't realize that he/she was trying to make things work while they are in unworkable condition - a form of denying or trying to take a shortcut or avoiding what needs to be done - indeed, hoping one can "get away with" not fixing things, as it [falsely] seems so hard to fix things - and one is so busy peddling to get where one wants to go that there is no time to learn to fix things nor the time to fix things.
Now "bike riding" is working (like "life).
Then one begins to notice that some people have superb balance and can go alot faster, with even less effort, even less wind resistance. And one hones one's knowedge and skills (the latter, through practice), and then he/she says "wow, I never could have imagined how easy and wonderful bike riding could be! It's great! [Substitute "life" for "bike" and you see when one lines up with reality coupled with intention that: "life is easy and good!"]
INTEGRITY: ALL THE PIECES WORKING TOGETHER
As in life, all the pieces need to be put together in working order (the bike must have structural and operational integrity) with a sound foundation [philosophy, beliefs, rules, practices, knowledge], often with the help of another who has gone before you. Yes, it is a "construction project" where one needs to do alot of little steps and tightening of the screws and installation of strengthening spokes, but as one does that, the "ride" becomes much easier and later even incredible.
THIS IS WHAT I WANT FOR YOU
That is what I want for you - but it is your program that you implement, by gathering from learning sources and resources and deciding what do to cause it to happen - the success is strictly up to you.
May you have the ease, grace, and joy that is possible in this life - and may I experience selfishly the good feeling of seeing that you've created that. For me, that's what satisfaction is about, the extra pizzaz and joy of seeing another experiencing what is truly possible and doable - and adding that on top of the pile of all else I am grateful for and all that I find incredible and wonderful about life.
May you know the joy of doing this for another, as you are learning more and more and sharing more and more as you go on the journey.
