If you're really committed to not changing and to avoiding all the crap that goes with changing, you should follow these instructions carefully.
This is a checklist to help one not change. Follow it and you'll succeed in not changing. And you'll keep getting what you're getting in life, so you'll succeed in having things be familiar and comfortable.
THE CHECKLIST FOR HOW NOT TO CHANGE
__ Be uncoachable
__ Refuse to be accountable. Don't report what you do or commit, to avoid embarrassment.
__ Use excuses
___ Use reasons why you can't change (as if a mysterious force is controlling you)
___ Protest that it is so, so difficult
___ Be as if a child, no responsibility
___ Don't be responsible for your beliefs, as they were programmed into you
___ Don't do your homework
___ Don't do anything different, not even something small
___ Love to complain, and do lots of it (be sure to shove out the time for problem solving)
Read: The girl who hit her head against the wall, below.
___ Don't listen to your teacher, argue the point instead of discussing for solution
___ Be slippery, hard to tie down.
___ Stay stuck in the no decision middle, not quite deciding to let go and pretending to be committed.
___ Don't complete it! (This is the final master stroke, being sure you don't finish it, so you'll have to repeat
it, which will be too much work anyway, so you might as well give up now.)
My grade so far at this is a proud ____ (A = no or superminor change, B = pretty good at no change and on these techniques, etc.). My grade at not finding what works and having everything I've done not work is ___. (A = almost nothing works, my teachers just don't know enought, etc.)
Bonus item:
THE GIRL WHO HIT HER HEAD AGAINST THE WALL
(Of course, we could beef up the coaching in this, but the purpose is for you to get the idea of how obstacles are created and used.)
Oh, I did it again.
Yesterday was the most miserable day of my life.
I was tired, so I couldn't help myself, I couldn't keep myself from hitting my head against the wall.
I tried my new technique though.
Maybe you should stop hitting your head against the wall.
Well, I know that, intellectually. You and your stupid theories.
I need to understand this. It must be something due to my childhood. I couldn't get any attention, so this worked. I've got to figure this out.
I think you should just stop it.
No, no, you don't understand. I'm like a cutter or an alcoholic, I just have to keep on doing it.
Well, we've addressed this before and analyzed why you did it. I think repeating the same thing over and over (the same analysis) isn't quite sane (workable). Let's do something differently. Since you have the power to stop, just stop. Can you stop for 30 seconds?
Well, of course, do you think I'm an idiot.
How about 60 seconds? What's the longest time you think you could stop?
Oh, you are so cliinical about this. Don't you understand I need you to be more understanding? You're just an emotionless, heartless person. I need you to know how much I'm suffering.
Well, I get it. That' why I want to see you stop suffering. I don't need to understand it totally. I know it's awful, terrible. I just want you to stop doing what causes it.
Well, you still sound so clinical.
You just don't understand that I had such a terrible model as a child. I just do this without thinking. It just happens without my being conscious of anything.
Well, do you know you are going to hit your head against the wall at some point. How about you just stop there?
Well, yeah, I guess I could, but...
Of course, since it is a new thing, you'll have some failures, but you must try it, so the old habit can be disrupted and so you can begin to develop a new habit.
Well, I'll probably fail.
Yes, there will be some failures wheneve you do anything new. And if you don't do anything, then you're guaranteed to fail.
But it'll be so hard. It could be too difficult.
Anything new is hard at first, but it is doable. You do want to stop your head from hurting, don't you?
Yes.
And you want that alot, right?
Yes.
Will you do it then?
I'll try.
I have found that it is very helpful to people if they make a clear, strong declaration of what they'll do. Will you do that now?
No, I don't need to say it, that's stupid. I got the idea...
I've studied this all. There is no way. Don't question my knowledge. Nothing works. I'm smart at this. Nobody has been able to help me. They're just not smart enough. And I can certainly find lots of flaws in what you're doing, you're so theoretical, you spend too much time explaiining, just give me the tools. And I need your support and reasssurance and
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What do you "get" from the above?
Is it a continuous spiral to nowhere?
Does it get hard for someone to sympathize when the other person keeps doing the problem behavior over and over and expecting sympathy? Might the tendency to sympathize wear down over time? (Yes, the coach could be more reassuring, etc., but we are looking at the coachee's responsibility as if it were 100%, which it is.) (Read 100% Responsibility.)
Note how she is using the items on the checklist....
