tba
CONTENTS
A dependency conversation
The more I talk to you, the more I feel dependent
Solving the symptom...again!
Giving away my power
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A DEPENDENCY CONVERSATION
Said to an advisor: "The more I talk to you, the more I feel dependent. I give away my power to you and I begin to feel powerless. I need to not talk to you for awhile, so I can get my strength back."
This statement is a great opportunity to make distinctions and to differentiate one thing from another in this "generality" type statement. It is an "unreasoning" conclusion that adds to the unworkability for this person, especially if the resource could be useful during that time.
As in all "problem solving", we need to break this into pieces and look into what is actually going on and then insert a solution.
THE MORE I TALK TO YOU, THE MORE I FEEL DEPENDENT
That statement could be true generally, but it is not deep enough to have any potential power toward solution. The person should describe more of what the thoughts are behind that statement. It could be like this:
"As I'm talking to him, I see how much smarter he is than me. I am so powerless and ineffective and this certainly reminds me of that - and as the conversation goes on I keep repeating that over and over."
It is a vicious circle where good information comes in and she feels more and more stupid and/or more and more powerless. It would be more accurate to say "the more I talk to you, the more I am reminded that I am not smart and that you have more power than me, and in a way I feel helpless - I can't stand that feeling, as it scares me to be helpless, I hate that feeling (of being scared) and I need to withdraw."
Incidentally, "dependent" is not a feeling, it is a belief. The belief causes the feeling of "fear". It is more accurate to say, "the more I talk to you, the more I am fearful of being dependent and powerless". This point is not made to be niggly, as it is about the huge effect of languaging on one's psychological well-being.
SOLVING THE SYMPTOM...AGAIN!
Note that the need to withdraw is a way of getting relief from the negative feelings, but it is only "trying to solve the symptom".
But, lo and behold, the problem itself is not solved and it keeps on repeating. (Yes, it is true: "what you do not complete, you're doomed to repeat!".) This is because one has left the cause intact. We need to solve the cause to solve the problem. (Be clear on Cause And Effect And Power and on how to do problem solving.)
GIVING AWAY MY POWER
The cause is the belief that "I am powerless" or its subset of not being smart enough. It is impossible to "give one's power to another person", as one always has 'the ability to create an effect', which is the definition of power. One simply is focussing more and more on the recurring belief that one has no power.
And it is that powerless that needs to be re-thought and re-formed into a new, but true belief.
