HOW TO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT BEING JUDGED
A REALISTIC, VALID VIEWPOINT
(Good substance, edit)
WHAT HAPPENS
Occurrence --> Interpretation --> Fear felt --> Consequences of
(I'm being judged.) (of idea of being judged) being judged?
↑ ↑ ↑
Change We unthinkingly The crux is
underlying stop here! actually here!
belief ↑
Cure the cause
VAGUE, INCOMPLETE "THINKING"
We stop short in vague, incomplete non-thinking, confusing the fear of being judged as if it were an actual consequence.
This is a classic imagined illusion. Until we think it through to the "end-point", we'll constantly be afraid of a "photo" - a picture in our mind of something that is a symbol that we associate fear with but which is not actually a threat.
EITHER LEGIT OR NOT
Judgment of you by another is either legitimate (true) or not.
If it is a reflection of an assessment and it is true, then it is simply a communication that you are doing something that isn't working and might pay attention to that. (Any "nastiness" about it is strictly a reflection of the non-wisdom of the other person, for a wise person does not do "pejorative" ["make wrong"] judging as he/she knows the non-workable behavior is simply a product of "not yet knowing". That person only feels compassion and only operates on the "what works" principle. Anyone making you wrong is simply doing their own "bad [unworkable] behavior".)
If the judgment is wrong, then it is all about the other person's misbehavior or misinterpretation. You could ask "can I address that. Are you willing to listen?" If the person is not, then walk away from the situation. It is over, for now. If it is with a person where there is a long term relationship, then perhaps you can address it after things have cooled down. However, know that if the other person is not willing to talk about it and only if it really matters to how well the relationship will go, you might just drop the relationship or the only other option if it is in a long term relationship is to drop it - and then just live your life as well as you can. If the other person cannot let it go, it is simply a flaw in their judgment abilitiy and just a part of a relationship that is part of human foibles. You don't need to be 100% approved of!
WHAT MATTERS IS...
What matters is what the consequences are of being judged. A judgment is strictly
a "mental idea" (mental construct). It is harmless in itself, in the realm of the seemingly simple but wise: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me."
We have a "big disconnect" in our thinking, where we draw a vague and false conclusion about the impact on us of being judged by others. It is bizarre thinking (except that it is common in our culture!), bizarre in that it is totally nonsensical in most cases.
We fail to make explicit what the consequences are of being judged. We spend most of our time being afraid of something that is not at all real.
Yes, of course, people will judge. It's part of our evolved ability to see if another person is safe to be with plus the need to be safe from being kicked out of the tribe, to die in the forest. (Note that the latter is not at all likely to occur.)
The first question to ask is "What's legitimate and what isn't?."
If it's legitimate it's just feedback that you haven't learned the right way to do something and then you can choose to learn it or not. As a human, it is vital that you know that the "YOU" is the basic unit that is simply a human, and never a perfect, fictional being. And no human can judge you legitimately for being human and "not yet knowing" something. It means nothing about "YOU", as you, if you are reading this, are capable of having a great life, without doubt.
Like any consequence that happens to you, then you simply need to assess what to do (and whether to do anything). Is there a consequence that must be fixed? Then fix it as well as you can, but know that the judgment itself has no validity - you are not "wrong" as a person (get the logic of that, it's not just a "nice saying".
Actual definition of judgment: To form an opinion objectively, authoritatively, and wisely.
We set up a whole game around it and we believe the game is real. We get stuck in mistaking the subcause...for the feared results.
THE CENTRAL ISSUE
This matter of being judged is strictly a matter of circumstances and consequences coming up in our lives and then dealing with them appropriately UNLESS we add meaning to it that is unwarranted.
If somehow we tie it together (as our primitive brain is naturally prone to do) with self-esteem and self-worth/worthiness, then we are apt to make it be another proof or vote about how we are inadequate and not ok.
But surely if someone came up to you and shouted "You're green!", you might not tend to feel bad (or even insulted). Only if you have an agreement with the idea that there is something badly wrong with you will you buy into feeling bad about a judgment. If you knew who you were, as a basic unit not a perfect superperson, and that you were ok, there would be no extra (bad) meaning added to it. You would be just fine, only left with a consequence to deal with, one that you are fully capable of dealing with (or learning to deal with). The judgment is not a threat to your basic self-being.
Of course, this means that you need to establish a solid foundational basis for your self esteem and self concept and for you "being ok". This would include your understanding of how your self concept can be solidly structured and some installation (review, repetition) of a definition of yourself. This would range from setting up your Positives Portfolio all the way through the steps in establishing self esteem and confidence. The journey through this is not an "instant, just add water" thing, but it is a very rewarding thing as you feel better and better as you go - and the place you arrive at is the most valuable thing in your life - a great self concept and a
"background conversation" that is highly positive instead of negative - for a core in life that is solid and unshakable!
IS IT TRULY A THREAT?
Is it truly a threat? No, absolutely not!
BUT THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES SOMETIMES, RIGHT?
The only people it is logical to be concerned about are those who might be affected by their judgments of you who can have a big enough consequence on you.
Someone who can affect your income.
A rare physical threat, to handle immediately as you would any real threat in life.
Someone who you are in a long term relationship with.
Marginally, someone who you might want as a friend (though you might consider that if the person is prone to misjudge you, the person might not be someone to have as a friend)
For all of these, you would sit down and assess the situation and figure out the best strategy to prevent any undesirable consequences in the future (or to at least minimize them and/or add value back so that the person perceives you sufficiently favorably).
AND, SOMETIMES, IT IS JUST VERY VALUABLE FEEDBACK
But only from some people, who are credible assessors of the facts.
An enlightened person who has no personal axe to grind and is able to be objective and clear in their sight will not sit in pejorative (make wrong) judgment about you. So if they say something that might sound a judgment, it is probably actually an objective assessment of how you are functioning and how it doesn't work. The person will never judge you pejoratively or make you wrong - the person has been "lightened" from that. And his/her intent is only to contribute to you, by giving you information that is feedback for you to carefully consider and act upon.
OFTEN THE "FEEDBACK" IS NOT TRUE
People see you and/or what you do from a limited knowledge base and a point of view that is most often invalid. And then their emotion might take them off into a judgment (as if they had something to defend from in your behavior) that will not accept reason. All you can do is decide whether to ignore it and let it go away, but know that it is not valid, or allow for a cooling down period after which you can address it if it is worth repairing the relationship at all.
DISCRIMINATING ABOUT THREATS
Often we fear something that is not a real threat. We need to learn how to discriminate between what is a real threat and what isn't. Often that has to do with finding a misbelief and then correcting it. There is nothing to fear, unless you stay in believing the misbelief by getting stuck in the idea that such l"earning takes hard discipline and that is awful and I think I'll run off and avoid this...".
