tba
CONTENTS
A good answer to rejection
Is rejection really "bad"?
What's the end result? A story, a conclusion
If I am rejected, what happens to me, actually?
The definition
The criteria
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A GOOD ANSWER TO REJECTION
"That person just does not see who I am. Any person who is reasonably aware will accept me and not judge me, though they still might not see a payoff in being with me (but that is simply a competitive, do what it takes to provide a high enough payoff to get them to be with you...). If I am rejected, it is about that person, not me. I don't fit their judgmental criteria, which are irrational. I let this be, as it is inconsequential and not productive for my attention."
Of course, I may not actually be "rejected", per se. I just might not be accepted, taken in. The person may already have what he/she needs from others and not see that he/she will get it from me.
IS REJECTION REALLY "BAD"
Somehow I hold onto it that rejection Is bad. It was very threatening as a child, for I was powerless and I was dependent on another for survival. Well, that is no longer true, and holding onto it doesn't work. I can choose to be in my full capability as a rational, loving adult, ever growing in wisdom and love and ever appreciative of all there is for me in this world. I no longer am dependent on anyone's approval! (Note that approval is under the Loving Oneself umbrella.)
WHAT'S THE END RESULT? A STORY, A CONCLUSION
I am going to church, where I don't feel so welcome anymore. I'm kind of a fifth wheel to the old group, my ex is still "in" with them. I haven't cultivated the relationship - and even then there is no guarantee.
I suppose they tolerate me. But I'm kind of an outsider.
What if they are not friendly and welcoming in the social hall? I have this fantasy that I will feel awkward and uncomfortable. And then there is that vague "other eyes" seeing it and not thinking as much of me.
I suppose that I am holding some image that I have to be, to live up to, to be "ok". But if I am rejected, let me figure out what that means to my life.
If I am dependent on the approval of others and scared not to see them be friendly to me, then I am stuck in some kind of a game. But a game has an end result, a "score". The game I am in is the game of life, not the game of approval. If I am not approved of, then I will be less able to associate with people, to have a feeling of approval (oops, I mean "love") so that I'll feel ok about myself. Do I need for people to think I'm strong, attractive, intelligent, of great character - what will it get me? I don't "need" it, it just could add some ease to my life, but that's it.
Oop, does that mean I just don't feel ok about myself? That I can't and won't have a good life without people?
I guess the question then what is the base in life that I can be happy with. That leads us back to Buddhism ideas. We receive this huge cache of things and then we think we want more in order to be happy, apparently taking that huge cache in a "for granted" manner, disappearing it. (Maybe that's why the practice of gratitude makes us so much happier - as we are focusing on and "seeing" more of what we have, the great blessings that we have no matter what - and can't lose!)
IF I AM REJECTED, WHAT HAPPENS TO ME, ACTUALLY?
If I am rejected, what happens to me? Physically it makes no difference. I am not damaged nor unable to eat. Psychologically and mentally I am still capable of creating what I want.
I'm "rejected". That's all. There actually are no real consequences. Nothing actually happens, unless I create it in my mind - it is simply not real!
The instinctive brain may hold a residual around this, but so what? No big deal. I guess I'll stay with the discomfort from the irrational brain holding onto the old idea, but it is just a thought and not a reality.
I am just fine on my own. Completely self-sufficient and able to create what I want. I can choose to be interdependent when it serves me, but I am never dependent.
THE DEFINITION
Freedictionary.com:
1. To refuse to accept, submit to, believe, or make use of. The other person simply chooses another alternative and does not make use of you as a friend or whatever you are trying to get them to see you as.
2. To refuse to consider or grant; deny. The same as above, virtually.
3. To refuse to recognize or give affection to (a person). this could be the person's own erroneous anger situation, where they are pushing you away. Sometimes they push away because it is a way of avoiding the fear that you will reject them.
4. To discard as defective or useless; throw away. This is the one we most fear, that we are defective. And we are not perfect, that's a fact. The other's judgment of us as being defective is strictly about that person and their lack of awareness - for they are stuck in a paradigm of right/wrong, good/bad - which is just a "make up" that has no reality to it.
THE CRITERIA
Everybody has their criteria, for what will serve them. Maybe they need "cool" people around them, so they feel "cool" or are just able to have more fun with compatible people.
But do you have to be one of them?
Why?
Is it some kind of old thing from being a child, where you won't be happy unless you're a star?
Do you have to be higher on the pecking order, have more, be better, etc.? All a game of no limits - no matter where we are, we aren't content with it, we want MORE. Nothing wrong with that, except if it causes you to think that is what you need so you'll be happy - which, on the other side of the coin, means you are (making yourself) not happy right now - and that's not such a good idea!
You just can't meet everybody's criteria - and you'll waste your life and spend all that energy on trying to be somewhere you'll not quite arrive at, when you could have spent that energy on something much more fulfilling. (And part of the function of this website is to have you identify what those things are and to do them, part of the planning process.
