BEHAVIOR THAT IS NOT AS IT "SHOULD" BE
"My microwave is so stupid. I put in some coffee to be heated up and when it finished it said "your food is ready." Now how stupid is that. Any fool knows that coffee is not food. I just can't rely on their being much intelligence out there and everything lets me down. Why doesn't it meet my expectations?"
RESULTS OF COMPLAINING, LABELLING?
So, what results do I get from doing this behavior, since it is only rational to do a behavior if it gets me good results?
Let's see.
I feel "bad", as I certainly must when I am complaining (or at least I can't possibly feel good about it, unless I am psychopathic). And when I label a person or a thing as being stupid or some label indicating that is/they are not as they should be, I am complaining. [Complaining is one of the least sensible strategies in the world. It is not about it being "bad" or "immoral" or "wrong"; it is just that it does not produce any good result. And if that is the case, why would I do it????? You should have this understanding down cold, fully understood. To assure that, you could read Complaining, in the Relationship section, and The Racket Of Complaining, in the psychology section.]
I somehow believe that if I put this label (complaint) out there that it will make things better. But how? Have I just not thought this through? And am I just repeating an old behavior that I haven't examined as to whether it is useful? [Yes, it 'seemed' useful at one time, as when I cried, the adults came and fed me or changed me - but I would bet that won't work at your age now.]
I am saying reality isn't as it should be. [But there is no "should" in reality. What is so is either what is so or it isn't. And clearly what is so about the microwave (that it isn't any smarter) is just what is so and unless I have a future strategy to enhance it, then it will continue to be the same way.]
Well, now, you say, these people are boring and shouldn't they be not boring!
First of all, let me note for you that things outside yourself do not cause emotions in you; they are not capable of powering over you, of causing you to react in a particular way. It is you who is creating feeling bored - and the people are just the circumstance that is there.
Second, and super importantly, some thing or some one cannot be more knowledgeable nor more intelligent than they are. There is no "mysterious force" that is causing them to do something stupid or boring. They are trying to get the best result they can for themselves at the time, but they are also limited to doing that which they know to do and how to do. They are simply operating right at the limit of their knowing, their intellectual and physical capability. There is no wrong to that; there is only a limit.
And, yes, their limit causes something you don't want, but there is no rational, logic thinking that could justify your conclusion that it shouldn't be so, especially since it must be that it 'should' be so or, more accurately, is so because of the conditions that caused it.
RULES FOR YOURSELF TO DETERMINE, FOLLOW
Give up all labelling as a useless and harmful activity.
Give up all complaining about reality and the idiotic claims that what is so should not be what is so; and use constructive means if you are wishing to give it a try to change the conditions to something more of your liking.
AFFIRMATIONS, STATEMENTS OF CLARITY ABOUT IT
"Everybody does the best they can at the time and it is based on the limits of their awareness. Their awareness cannot be any more than it is at the time. If it is worth it to you, then you can put effort into increasing that awareness. But there is never any logical justification for making anybody wrong or bad because of simply not having more awareness"
"The result of their lack of awareness may not be to my liking, but that is no different than the weather not being to my liking. It is just what is so and the only reasonable choice for me is to simply determine what's next for me to do where I can produce the best result for myself."
IT'S ALL MEANINGLESS ONCE IT HAPPENS
It's a bit like the old saying, which most people seem not to get the full meaning and importance of living by:
Something occurs, some reality: What's so? So what? Now what?
This is how powerful people operate and if you operated that way you would be being a powerful person.
What's so? Is simply observing what has occurred and determining its potential significance level.
In all cases, what occurred is simply what occurred. There is no badness to it. All things are neutral. All things that occur are a "so what". Of course, we can add something to it. But a "this is terrible and woe is me" is not a useful meaning to add. It is better to leave it as a "so what!"
The only choice is to see that something happened and for you to assess what would be best to do next and then just do it!
There is no point in dwelling on something undesired that happened. You'll only feel bad and that thing that happened will still be what happened - and the sequence of what it causes in the future will simply be what it causes in the future - unless there is something that you can do about it, in which case you should do something! But moaning, bemoaning, complaining, projecting and saying how terrible the future will be - all of those are useless, nonsensical (stupid, unintelligent). [Yes, if it is appropriate, then one would decide to use our predictive capabilities to see if the future realistically is likely to be as we would not like it and assess whether we can do something about it, and, if so, plan what to do and then do it. If we can't do anything about the future to come, then it is just another "what's so" and we must then choose something else to do that will make the best of the situation, seeing that life overall is a net positive.
[Obviously if something is fun or a desired result then it is appropriate to dwell on it and enjoy it, as that is a useful purpose. Complaining and labelling is pretty much always a bad strategy.]
NOW, D'YA THINK THIS MIGHT APPLY TO LABELLING OURSELVES?
It is true that "complaining" sometimes causes another person to change something more to your liking. And expressing anger meanly can also cause something. But that doesn't mean that it is the best strategy.
If you're on the other end of a complaint or a label, how would you feel? You might do something about it, but it is still a bit icky, as the message is something to the effect of you shouldn't be a particular way or you should have known better than to do that thing.
The "punitive" way is primitive and inferior.
You can simply point out the effect that something has on you and make a request. If the person is concerned about how you feel (and there is no requirement for them to be concerned or even to understand), then they will take that into consideration and if the change is worth it to them then they'll make it. And if it is clear that the request is a request and not a demand, then the person can consider it, as the king/queen of their own kingdom, and grant you your request or not. [A demand has negative effects on relationships, smacking of 'control' and a dependency on co-dependent behavior against one's best self interest.] This is an important 'adult' behavior to know about. To perfect it and to put it properly into place, it should be helpful for you to peruse Making Requests And "Happy" Negotiating and Making Requests Of Your Partner.
Back to you, now.
What I am suggesting here is that you operate with yourself in a non-punitive way and that you realize that the belief that it is effective is an erroneous belief - and that the practice of punishment via criticism, complaining, labels, make wrong, etc. is to be discontinued and no longer practiced on yourself, for the "truth" here is the same as the truth above: "I am simply doing the best I can at any given time within the current limits of my awareness. I cannot possibly do any better than that. So I am neither bad nor wrong. If I want a better result, then I simply must increase my awareness. [The kind of awareness I mean is 'complete' awareness not being 'aware of' or 'knowing about', which are incomplete conditions that are not determinate. Read Inteligent Awareness to be sure you know what this means, as it'll cut out lots of mistakes in your thinking that because somebody has been told that they now have sufficient awareness - a bald-faced, irrational mistruth!]
If you understand this, as an indication that you do understand this, will you choose to do the following pledge and follow through on it?
I, hereby. refuse, and will stop cold in its tracks, to label myself or to criticize myself. I will, instead, correct myself and insert a statement of acceptance and understanding and even a reassurance or appreciation:
"I can only do the best my current awareness permits me to. So I fully accept my behavior and I will simply choose to do what works - I'll either increase my awareness, change my behavior, and/or let it be if it is not worth the effort to change. All is well. I am fine. This is just normal life going along well in the overall balance of things. I am happy."
