tba See AA, Alanon, and CoDA materials for more in-depth discussion.
If you want to get past the useless behavior of "taking someone else's inventory", read all the related items, for they all fit together and you've got to handle them all!
I recommend that you swear off this behavior forever!
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THE ATTEMPT TO CONTROL - AND WHY
Control - When we don't get what we want from outside us, those of us who don't know better seek to control others, in often uncontrollable situations. One of the key killers of relationships, for sure. See Resentment
Although trying to exert control is somewhere on the "active" scale, it is most often related to a victim viewpoint, where we are seeing ourselves as dependent on another and therefore that we have to "get" them to do something for us.
We are so dependent on getting the outcome that we "can't stand it", we can't stand the discomfort it causes us. The victim mentality includes this inability to be able to "stand" unfavorable outcomes (and also to rely on oneself to create the better outcome!).
This "I can't stand it" or "I can't stand discomfort" results often in the viewpoint that creates addiction - wanting to escape uncomfortable feelings and doing it via something outside of ourselves, such as via a shortcut or the "easy way", such as using pills or substances or by attempting to put the responsibility on another. The irony is that the "easy way" is not as easy as simply learning how to control one's own responses, how to calm oneself, and basic self-management to solve a problem in a rational manner. Addiction temporarily solves the symptom, but the problem will persist if we don't solve the cause.
The irony is that seeking to control another is a way of attempting to exert dominance and to feel pride (in the primitive way we have evolved to). To give up improper control (because it doesn't work) is admittedly difficult, as we are brought up with many erroneous beliefs around this. Read Control. Learn the wisdom around it. You are not wise until you have learned this!
REQUESTS, NOT DEMANDS
Simply make a request for yourself, telling the microscopic truth (see True Authenticity) only, without the request being a demand. The request will either be honored or not - and you need to honor the response and the person's right to not do what is requested, for whatever reason.
And they are not there to serve you or fill all of your needs. (Neither were your parents, although you thought so at the time.)
THE PRIMARY RULE
In Alcoholics Anonymous and the other anonymouses (especially CoDependents Anonymous), a primary rule is to not take someone else's inventory, just to take your own. When you think about it, each person has enough to deal with without trying to "correct" or "fix" someone else's "inventory" of faults, shortcomings, offenses, etc.
The truth does not come from your thinking you perceive something in someone else correctly. You can't. You can't see inside that person, you can't see what is going on for that person, you can't see the person's past and what all came in to his beliefs such that his behaviors are as they are. And something not seen cannot be supposed and then represented as the truth - the truth is the "whole story", not a piece, not a glimpse of it. (I recommend that you read, know, understand and accept Fact, "Truth", Reality, as a basic tenet of life wisdom - and one essential to fully learn and install if one is to live a powerful life.)
Why would such a rule as "thou shalt not judge" come about? Are you "bad" if you do it or just human? Is it a dysfunctional behavior wasting energy and producing poor results?
No, it is not "bad" (for that is a false precept in itself), but it is dysfunctional; it is something based upon a false belief from which one has a strategy that one uses but does not get good results. The ultimate test of the truth of any belief is "does it work?", does it produce the result that is good for you (which is actually the one you want, not "getting even" or some preposterous concept like that, based on a preposterous belief itself!)?
THE BEST POLICY
Stop, halt, desist. Don't take another's inventory (and don't believe that you are all knowing and accurately perceptive - you aren't!). And don't waste the energy that you could direct toward what you can control.
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I liked these comments on blogs:
"Thou shall not judge."
Refers to the impossibility of truly knowing another person well enough to actually comprehensively evaluate and condemn or congratulate that person in an eternal sense.
I would think that "taking someone else's inventory" is also a bad idea because it takes your attention away from checking and improving upon your own self.
And:
If I knew someone very extremely well and knew without a doubt another's motivations.
And:
the lead in to a comment: Taking other people's inventory vs. telling the truth
A good reply to a question of whether to tell another person the "truth" you see about the dysfunctional behavior of another upon that person (very convoluted):
"hmm... interesting. If I knew someone very extremely well and knew without a doubt another's motivations, even if I did tell them, they might not be in a place to accept, hear, understand what I am saying..." and then it continues with great little comments, which hopefully you can "see into" and recognize what actually makes sense. ActiveBoard.
Read this addict blog's comments: ODR
