CONTENTS tbf
AT FIRST DRIVEN, AND THEN...
SETTING "HARD AND FAST" RULES
WHAT TO SAY?
AT FIRST DRIVEN, AND THEN...
When we first meet, "desires" (hormones and hopeful, exciting thoughts) drive us. We are, indeed, "driven" to make love.
Later, the desires wane, as we get used to being together and the newness disappears.
This is exactly as it is meant to be, as evolution had those people who settled down in that area become better parents (so more people with those genes survived; enter 'evolution' into the search engine, noting especially how the mind evolved and why).
At this point, it takes "intention" and understanding to make this work. The understanding is that bonding (and the bonding chemical "oxytocin") is generated by touch and caring and that there is no stronger way of doing that than sustained attention and caring to have the other experience pleasure.
The "intention" is needed to start things off, because the desire does not create the impetus effortlessly. Effort is required and attention to make sure it happens. The start up will not be instantaneous or in a flash, so there will be some soft, caring effort to start warming up the engine from zero...
The "intention" to create and maintain a loving relationship is the key. And it may be true that it is necessary to set aside time for a "date" with each other. Some may comment that that is "sex on demand" or unusually restrictive, but it is actually a choice and may have to be rescheduled, but it is one to be honored - always reschedule if it doesn't work at that time!!! (Alison Armstrong, www.understandmen.com, says that she notices that life works better for her husband if they make love every 3 days, so she makes sure that happens, but she never turns him down except in dire conditions!)
SETTING "HARD AND FAST" RULES
Learn about how the other sex works, with regard to sex and overall - see also
Gender Differences and understand them.
Become very knowledgeable about love making. See the resources in the Making Love section
Never say something like "all you want from me is sex" - that's ignorant and very rude and disempowering - it's always about more than sex. Read the Meaningfulness Of Making Love in the Making Love section ... Never say "maybe, if I do the right thing, I'll get lucky tonight" for it is not a form of payment nor anything available for punishment - it it unconditional love, regardless.
WHAT TO SAY?
When "unable"
If you're really wiped out or have a headache or some not solvable barrier, then you would still be reassuring and reaffirming to your partner. "Honey, I'd love to but I am so wiped out tired right now. How about in the morning so I can really be there for you?" "I'd love to" is reaffirming. Setting a date for later is reassuring. "...so I can really be there for you" is reaffirming of your loving intent.
When actually too far out to get into it
"Yes, honey, I'd love to. Right now I'm pretty physically tired (or overwhelmed with things on my brain), so it would take too much to really get my engines going for me to go over the top. So I'd like to just enjoy it but have it mostly be about making love to you." Then you use whatever means at your disposal - it being ok to not have penetration, as long as you use great other means of satisfying him (Read Tickle His Pickle, Sadie Alison and some of the other books in the Making Love page.)
