tba
It has always been cold comfort (none) to me that "mistakes are ok and necessary", etc., and etc. I needed something more in depth, at the core of the problem - at the very depth of the fear process and the "what will happen to me if I am incapable of handling the future".
The aim of this piece is to complete the process of no longer having fears of mistakes, failures, and defeats. Hint: It requires a "higher viewing point" to see it all in the context of one's whole life.
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CONTENTS
A needless, big source of "feeling bad"
It is not a permanent condition or a big deal
What is actually true is...
Mistakes, defined
Just a part of the process
Mistakes
"Failures"
Affirmations re: failures
I'm being defeated! I must be defective!
The reality of the great battle
My commitments
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"I am not judged by the number of times I fail, but by the number of times I succeed; and the number of times I succeed is in direct proportion to the number of times I can fail and keep on trying."
Tom Hopkins
"Virtually nothing comes out right the first time [as we initially do not yet know enough to do it right, until we have learned enough through experience]. Failures, repeated failures, are finger posts on the road to achievement. The only time you don't want to fail is the last time you try something... One fails forward toward success."
Charles F. Kettering
"True justice is paying only once for each mistake. True injustice is paying more than once for each mistake."
Indeed, we cannot "afford", emotionally, to make a mistake if we believe we it is life or death or that we do not have enough in our psychological tank to make any withdrawals. But, if we learn to differentiate what is a true threat and what isn't and if we know that we have a secure core that we can safely rely on, mistakes are just a minor inconvenience outside of the core, for we know that we are safe and have more than enough. (See What I Have, For Sure.)
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Be As Wise As A Baby
They should follow the wisdom of a baby: fall down, get up, fall down, get up...eventually walk, badly...walk a little better...and so on - instead of giving up because of his/her being incompetent at walking.
Anyone who is of fairly normal intelligence can learn this. In fact, anyone who is of fairly normal intelligence can do, with sufficient learning of what to do, can do what anyone else of fairly normal intelligence has done.
You can walk, in the sense of managing of emotions, eventually. It does, however, take persistence - and the willingness to not be so good at it in the learning stages. It is entirely doable, period. This is an absolute truth.
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A NEEDLESS, BIG SOURCE OF "FEELING BAD"
One of the biggest sources of self deprecation, self criticism, and fear is related to misperceptions and incorrect beliefs around making mistakes and experiencing so-called "failure". Mistakes are perfectly acceptable and useful, but few actually believe that. Failure is perfectly acceptable and only a temporary occurrence - and completely solvable.
So, this is my attempt at convincing you to no longer cause yourself to be disempowered nor to feel bad about mistakes or failures - to relieve you from unnecessary, harmful beliefs, and to lead you to what truly works and makes sense.
We make it "wrong" or "bad" that we make mistakes or "fail". That, of course, is based on false beliefs that need to be replaced with what is true. One key error is that we create false danger signals and all sorts of upset, which are inevitably accompanied by harmful body chemicals and effects. All this is not at all necessary - and is based on some rather naive, not well-thought-out premises!!!!! It is all needless suffering.
(Underneath the specifics of the beliefs about mistakes and failures are the misbeliefs related to "wrong", "bad", blame, criticism, etc. that are dealt with primarily in the Barksdale materials strongly and specifically, and in the links in red above. At the core also, dealt with alot in the Barksdale materials, is the false belief that a person is his/her actions and that one's beliefs are who one is - poppycock! See Who I Am, and learn this thoroughly. Also, it is useful for you to have a foundation up which to upgrade you beliefs from: What Is Reality?)
IT IS NOT A PERMANENT CONDITION OR A BIG DEAL
Ignorantly, we dramatically misperceive things as being bigger than they are, by judging (making wrong) and catastrophizing (making big). Also, ignorantly, and contrary to central core principles of the 'wise' disciplines, we create "permanence", when there is no such thing! (The foregoing false thinking precepts are part of the dysfunctional, selective way of thinking related to The Unrealism Of Pessimism, which is the opposite of happiness!)
A mature perspective on life is one where we go to the 50,000 foot level to look down on life overall, where we see that even a failed marriage or going broke was a small thing and that one survived rather well - and that one did not need to create all the suffering which made it bad. It is a perspective that is based on "proper sizing" and Proper And Proportionate Response.
As part of "proper sizing" of perceived dangers, one would look at the piece that helps one answer the question "What is a big deal?" See if you agree with this explanation of How Big Is The Problem, Really?.
All that is important is that you are doing the key Happiness producers - and, of course, learning how to do them, which will involve lots of failures and mistakes in order to get to the level of capability of truly appreciating life. (Yes, happiness is not a condition or a circumstance, it is a "doing" and a "viewing"-point, as in The Only Path To Happiness.)
WHAT IS ACTUALLY TRUE IS...
What is true is that:
We don't know everything.
We have lots of areas of insufficient knowledge.
It is a necessary part of the growing up and learning process to make mistakes, as attempts to do a thing properly require doing the first attempt without sufficient knowledge.
We will make errors when we have insufficient knowledge to not to.
Errors are simply "information" pointing out that we need to learn something. (It is not "aery faery" thinking to look at errors as "opportunities for learning, oh, boy!")
"We are not 'damaged' by mistakes or failures, for we are still intact and just learning."
The BuddhaKahuna
"MISTAKE", DEFINED
Definition of "-take": To understand something to be a particular way: "I take it as being correct"; to do, perform, as in "to take a walk".
Definition of "mis-": Incorrectly, unworkably; didn't work (due to luck or doing it incorrectly, as in mishap or misadventure). "I simply missed, that's all.
Definition of mistake: An action taken that did not get the desired result, for whatever reason. It is simply due to lack of sufficient knowledge (including skill) or understanding ("I mistook it") and/or an misperception.
JUST A PART OF PROGRESS
Incurring mistakes and failures in efforts to gain something is simply part of the process. It is reality and perfectly acceptable, with no point in resisting it.
One simply observes the result (a thwarted attempt or "breakdown") and goes on to learning or trying something else, until one "gets it right". One simply would use the Breakdown/Breakthrough Process. (That piece is in, appropriately enough, the Problem Solving section, which use can lead to only having small problems, quick clean up of problems, and much better results in life.
Note that a "problem" is not a bad thing, as it is simply a gap between what one wants and what the current situation is; problem solving is simply a "going towards" what one wants - and a way of doing it much faster!) And it need not be "bad" to have a problem.
And there is plenty of good stuff in life: What To Grateful For (= seeing what I have and that I have plenty of good stuff). (This is also part of the process for developing "allies". See below.)
Other than the right/wrong/good/bad that we add to it, there is no suffering necessary from making a mistake or not succeeding!!!!!!
"FAILURES"
The classic quote is the one after Edison was asked about his 10,000 failed attempts: "If I find 10,000 ways something won't work, I haven't failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is often a step forward..."
And, so it is. Failures are just failures, not anything else. Just a part of life, but not determinant of the quality of life. We can't "not fail" in life, as that would mean we were omniscient or never tried anything. Though it may sound trite, no successful person has succeeded without failures and, in fact, making more failures (attempts at doing something not yet mastered) has been the road to being more successful!
Yes, people will argue otherwise, but the arguments will be based on invalid premises, incorrect assumptions, and dysfunctional beliefs. Failures, by themselves, are neutral events - or they are positive in that they lead one further toward the solution of something worthwhile solving!!!!
A child will "fail" in walking many times, but there is no concept of being wrong or bad because of it, so it does not occur to oneself as being wrong or bad. I try to walk, I fall down, I get up... Perfectly acceptable. And the road to success is to keep on getting up, which can actually be kind of fun - and even something one can be proud of! ("I kept on going until I succeeded. Wow! That's great!")
Definition: Not succeeding in doing or being (or achieving a desired end).
AFFIRMATIONS RE: FAILURES
Because of the automatic association of failure with bad, it may be better to never use that term and to use "not succeeded" instead, or, even better, "not succeeded yet", which is more true and has more perspective built into it.
"I realize that the "other side" is simply a set of old recordings fired off by matching to a situation and that they are no longer valid and useful. They merely hold a set of mistaken beliefs with the good purpose of protecting me, but that basic assumptions and the protections believed to be needed are no longer true, if they ever were. Within that, they trigger off emotions that are no longer appropriate to getting what I want, so I immediately let them go as being invalid. (Emotions, I now let you go as being invalid, so I stop feeling you.)"
I'M BEING DEFEATED! I MUST BE DEFECTIVE!!!!!
How many times have we not had sufficient will power to follow our diet? Or to defeat a habit? How many times have you made yourself wrong about being defeated, about your being weak, stupid, a hopeless case...etc. and etc.? All those are stories made up from false beliefs based upon a premise that is utterly false. The premise is that "there is something wrong with me if I don't succeed..."
You simply do not understand what a habit is nor do you quite "get" what the effect is of old recordings being activated by matching to a current situation. (In my files, the Habit page is under the Power In Life section!)
Consider this statement, after which I will define "the opposition", but for right now follow the basic principle of warfare involved:
THE REALITY OF THE GREAT BATTLE
"While I am not the victim, I acknowledge that the forces on the other side are too strong and/or numerous. I accept the reality and I accept the defeats as within the reality of being human, and, indeed, a natural part of the process. And now I will take on eliminating the opposition to what I want, one by one while also building up my allies to be a stronger force for getting what I desire."
This is a statement of a "life warrior" who sees what the truth of the matter is. He is describing "what's so" and then seeing what he can do about it, while making certain declarations.
Notice how different his conversation is from that of someone who chooses to be a victim. He excludes being a victim, as being a victim is not being an option that is effective.
He chooses to make an objective description (to the extent he can perceive it correctly), using his own authority. He describes "what's so". He accepts reality, rather than making up some story about how he "should be smarter" or "how it never seems to get better". He doesn't resist reality.
From his being of being a "life warrior", he chooses to be proactive and to declare what he will do to get that which he wants.
The "opposition" is the collective recordings that pop out of the brain, with beliefs in them that cause a specified behavior within them. A bunch of such recordings on that side are what constitutes a habit, one that is very powerful with its large number and, together, its great strength. In order to cut down the numbers and the strength, we need to fight a guerilla war and knock out some of the individual members, by identifying them and then using the Belief Changing Process. There is no other way to do it, other than wishing for a miracle.
And, then, besides weakening the opposition, we need to add some allies on our side. Those allies would be very strongly believed and used in action to increase our side's strength and numbers, instead of trying to turn the tide using a bb gun. The allies are true beliefs, strong declarations, commitments, and thoroughly trained ahead of time by repetition and review.
Weaken the opposition, strengthen the forces "for" - and eventually you'll win. There is no other way. It is no wonder your efforts are being defeated, but don't conclude that "that is the way it is and the way it will be", which is a victim viewpoint. Go back and accept the lesson, that we need to up the "for" strength and lower the "against" strength.
MY COMMITMENTS
I acknowledge that mistakes, failures, and defeats are all just a part of the natural process of being a human and necessary to preceding forward. I will use them as part of the learning process, accumulating learning and awareness until I get to where I have a powerful belief system on my side.
I, this day, commit to being a "life warrior" and to achieving that level of awareness that is necessary to see life and reality for what they are and to be able to appreciate life from an aware, mature perspective such that I can fully create the happiness I want.
Committed to this ____ day of ____________________, _______
Signed: ____________________________________________
