"For Heaven's Sake, notice the results you're getting. If they are not good, stop doing it!"
The One, Seer Of The Ultimate Truth
"The wise person chooses his/her battles well and only fights those that are rationally worthwhile."
The BuddhaKahuna
"Don't get it wrong, as it makes a huge difference: 'The world is your oyster, not your servant.' It is not there to serve you. The world is not about you. It is simply there to harvest and it is up to you to be in charge of harvesting it. No one will do it for you - and expecting otherwise is one of the greatest sources of unhappiness and of discord."
The BuddhaKahuna
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STOP! IN THE NAME OF 'LOVE'! (Couldn't resist using this song lyric!)
Stop trying to control others! Not because it is wrong or immoral or all that garbage, but because it doesn't work!
It is one of the biggest mistakes one can make in life, so it is worth extinguishing and no longer wasting effort and attention - and diminishing the negative programming to the mind. (Yes, every time you attempt to play the control/object-to game, you give a negative programming input to your brain, essentially reinforcing any negative way of operating!)
UNDERSTAND WHAT AND WHY
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VITAL, ESSENTIAL, "MUST" RULE:
Try to control only what you can.
Stop trying to control what you can’t.
List this rule in your personal rules section in your Reminders Notebook.
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THE DOUBLE WHAMMY
People who try to control other people also suffer from the other side of the double whammy: they have unrealistic expectations of others - and that, in turn, leads, or goes hand in hand with, to unrealistic expectations of oneself - the latter being a great source of unhappiness.
LOOKING AT THIS FROM THE VIEWPOINT OF PAYOFFS
As is pointed out in Stephen Covey's The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People, we can spend our efforts in the "outer circles", trying to fix "out there" and if we do, we are giving away our lives, wasting them. It is far more effective to focus on what makes the most difference (and then emanates outward to benefit others!): working on developing yourself so that you live powerfully. Until you've perfected that, it is not ok to go out and fix others, not just because it doesn't work but because it is a poor use of your time when you have something more important to do to get high payoffs.
Read these pieces and decide if you want to adjust your life to live this way:
ACCEPTANCE AND WISDOM
Consider that humans are just human. They have limited awareness/knowledge. They have limited attention and are distracted by their own thoughts and mythical dangers. They therefore can never be there perfectly for you.
Consider that your perception, assumptions, projections, mind reading, etc., might not always be correct and most probably are greatly exaggerated to making up something that is negative IF you depend on others to be perfect for you and make you happy.
Just as you have limitations in awareness, so do others. You can't expect them to be better and more able than they are currently. You can't expect them to adjust to all of what you want. You just have to adjust to their not operating optimally to fit your needs and to praise you enough, be sensitive enough to your needs, to treat you just right, to be insightful enough or to read your mind.
Perhaps that is what you wished for as a child, especially of your parents, but it is not a useful expectation for others to have to specifically adapt to your world.
Just let it be sufficient that they mean well and can only do what is within their awareness.
Know, understand, and absolutely commit to operate based on Perception Is Not Reality - without doing that, your potential happiness is impossible to reach - so pay attention! Those who tend to have an unhappy mindset often believe they are very accurate in something that is inherently accurate - and this increases the effect of alienating other people besides having them sense the effort to make them "wrong".
THE INTERNAL CONVERSATIONS
Those who choose to be in charge of their lives choose to do the work to complete what is needed. You can tell by the results a person gets whether or not he is doing the complete or just making some effort and stopping before completion. One cannot get to happiness if one does not do completion of those things that are the necessary components of happiness! (Duh!)
Although dealt with in the Self/Internal Talk section, in order to correct a conversation we have to identify what it is, write it down (say in the left column of a sheet), make sure it is complete as to what meaning is being attributed and what the story is - and then make sure there is a wise and corrected, compassionate set of statements on the right side (which you create, though you might seek additional feedback from another, but only if you've done the initial work, as you've got to develop this as a skill). The recording of thoughts to be corrected/reexamined is made much easier by constantly having with you your Master Notebook. Learn what it is and how easy it is to use: The Master Notebook.
Here are some examples of possible conversation to try out and/or use as models of what the result might look like.
"Yes, that sounded uncaring to me, but I might not have perceived that correctly. Also, I cannot expect to be cared for by others. Instead, I appreciate their best efforts within the limits of their awareness."
"I think that this person is not understanding me, but I know that true understanding of another person is difficult to achieve. I don't expect it. I am, instead, in charge of filling myself up and understanding and loving myself. I don't need others' understanding nor their approval, even though it might be a nice bonus. I am self-sufficient and I choose to live expansively and be fully in charge of my life." [Coping statement: It is difficult for others to do all I would prefer, but that's ok. I am fully self-sufficient. I'll do my best to give to them.}
EXTERNAL CONVERSATION
If one feels "hurt" (an imaginary state that reflects a belief, from which we make ourselves unhappy), then it is inappropriate and unworkable to lash out at the other person - because it is harmful to oneself and to the other person, a waste of time and effort, and could be based on misperception, oversensitivity, and/or false expectations. Instead, the person would, if it is judged possibly worthwhile use the "I" form of communication as shown in The Behavior Change Request, under Relationships, Communication (see Directory, also the form to use).
It is preposteri to get mad at someone for having limited awareness and not being able to do better than there awareness permits them to do!!!!!!!!
Instead, you might try some of the communication tools included under communication in the Directory.
You've got to knowing the difference between a story, false perceptions, etc. and the reality of what you're entitled to bring up plus what would be useful to bring up. Since this is a communication that can produce tension, the wise person chooses to have it only where it is really important. And if one stops having the assumption that it is up to others to act the way one wants and to please one, then many of the "confrontrations" disappear, as they are totally not needed.
You must also create an opening and a positive context that is reinforcing to the other person, one that expresses confidence in them for trying to do what is right - and also the fact that this is a request based on one's own sensitivity and not a demand or something wrong with the other person.
And, it is recommended by all the experts who have addressed the subject, you would best seek permission first, but in a constructive way. Not "do I have permission to give you some feedback", but upgraded to "I have something I need from you and it involves a request for you to change something. Is it ok to discuss this? And is now a good time?"
AVOID DEPENDENCY AND/OR SUBSTITUTION
Some people have a false belief that they don't have any value if they are not helping a person, that their "company" is not sufficient and that they cannot be liked for just who they are and the basic interactions of friends. As a result, they find people who "have problems" and create co-dependent, energy sapping relationships that don't serve either side.
The "fixing" becomes a substitute (or, more correctly, fills the space) for doing what is most rewarding and beneficial in relationships.
Without going into more detail, I would state categorically here that you hereafter stop engaging in any relationship in that way and that you also only hang around with people who are not needy, people who are forward looking and positive and quietly powerful. This would be a good rule to write into your rules section of your Reminders Notebook (or LifePlan, but I prefer it being looked at more often).
THE UNDERLYING FALSE BELIEF/VIEWPOINT/PERSONA
When we maintain the (false) belief that in order to be happy the circumstances must be just right and people must approve of us and be responsible for us being happy (i.e. do the "right" thing), we easily get upset. The flaw in the belief lies in the idea that we must try to control things that we believe we need to have in order to be happy; but the truth is we will create unhappiness because we are not exerting control to create what we want (i.e. therefore we don't get it! But then that is our choice - and I hope you make a wise choice this time!
The persona that one takes on when one is demanding that others comply is that of a child expecting the world to serve him/her.
THE USEFUL VIEWPOINT
Not only is it best to not be dependent on other to do what pleases you or to make you happy, but it is also highly beneficial to look the the good overall in a person and to dismiss the "negatives" as incidental to dealing with human beings who necessarily will lack awareness at times.
Those who see that other human being are 99.6+% similar to themselves, seeking love and to reduce suffering, will have greater compassion for other humans. Most of the time trying to fix someone in order to serve your needs has no compassion for the other person. If one has little compassion for others, one most often ends up being programmed to have little compassion for oneself. Having compassion for others AND for oneself is an essential ingredient for happiness, and if you leave out that ingredient, you cannot be happy. I repeat you must learn to be compassionate or you will not be able to be happy, as the viewpoint turns back on you and bites you.
It is interesting to note that the piece, above, on compassion is in the Emotional Management section, as compassion helps balance off the negative emotions, especially of anger, defensiveness, and fear. Compassion has one feel closer to others, which results in better relationships.
WILL YOU COMMIT?
Do you see:
____ That you can save enormous amounts of energy that is wasted on ineffectual
control attempts, and
____ That that energy can be redirected to something that gets positive, controllable
results.
Will you commit to:
____ Doing what is necessary to understand about the realities related to control.
____ At the very least, to make it a rule to not interfere with others nor try to control them or fix them or interfere with them, except when absolutely necessary (which is hardly ever).
Date: ___/___/___
