RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS



Q. HOW CAN I TERMINATE MY CONTACT WITH THIS PERSON, AS IT BUGS ME UNBEARABLY TO SEE HER AT THIS SEMINAR SERIES I GO TO?  SHE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY AND TELLING ME NOT TO WORRY BECAUSE SHE'LL IMPROVE.


The pressure is probably coming from the battle between doing what is necessary and the feeling of being a bad guy if you're not being kind and supportive.  Of course, this is solely from a "story" you're telling yourself, so it is not "real"; this is a process you'll learn over time as you get a perspective on what is real and what is not.  Stories are not real and have no power per se, except that which you give them.  They are just BS and it is up to you not to give power to BS.  

The circumstance is not the problem.  It is your thought about it that creates the problem and you need to get underneath that to see the "conversation" that is going on.  It is not about what is happening now; it is definitely about the past.  Going away from the circumstance is a way of "solving the symptom", but it is definitely not solving the problem (which is the belief under the story you're making up). 

Telling her she's driving you crazy (a big make wrong "victim" statement) will do absolutely no good.  Eliminate that type of "you" statement from your conversation for all time.  The fact is that it is you who creates 100% of your emotions.

You'll need to set a boundary and make a request of her, in a no-blame way.  Request a "time out" of at least a month for you to be able to resolve things for yourself and, perhaps, to give her time to "change", as would be illustrated by her behavior and communication to you after the month. 

You need more awareness around this in order to reach underneath it and in the long run to disappear it.

I'd recommend you read the following:

Psychology, Emotion Management,
      Anxiety/Fear:                Threats and Fear
      Overall                          Blame, Ager, Shame - Myself - A Questionnaire
                                          Immature Emotions - Shame, Guilt, Self-Pity...
                                          *Problem/GoalSetting/Breakthrough Form
Book:  Complete Confidence, Sheenah Hankin (The title is accurate but the content includes a
  very useful discussion about shame, blame, guilt, etc.and a strong stand about how to get
  rid of their influence!)
Psychology
      Methods                        Caring, Feeling Presence - Loving Yourself
                                           Rational Analysis - What Happened (A form leading you
                                             through)
      Overall                           Compassion and The Human Condition

Relationships
       Communication             Learning Not To Criticize Yourself And Others 
                                           No-Blame Communication  
                                           Setting Boundaries
        Sustaining                    Relationship Rules and Contexts (although written for another
                                              purpose, there are some viewpoints [contexts] that could be
                                              useful.

The Life Mastery Process

                                            Underlying Basics of Life Part I
                                            Underlying Basics of Life Part II



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Q.  I'M ENTERING A NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER PERSON WHO HAS STATED THAT SHE GETS OUT OF RELATIONSHIPS AFTER THE ROMANCE STAGE AND THEN SERIALLY JUMPS TO THE NEXT.  I WANT THIS ONE TO WORK NOW THAT I AM AT A HIGHER AWARENESS AND DEVELOPMENT LEVEL.  WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Obviously, this is an opportunity to do it "right" the first time, and to stay conscious during the process, whether it works out or not.  To do this you need to be much more knowledgeable and aware with regard to relationships than you were before.  And it would be most helpful if you take your potential partner through it, suggesting that the two of you could learn together since you are serious about not repeating past mistakes. 

I would recommend reading The Process For Creating And Sustaining A Great Relationship, The Stages Of A Relationship - What Do You Choose Next and then follow its instructions to go to the learning actions that should be taken. 

There is quite a bit to learn, but the area has so much potential that I'm sure it'll be worth your time and effort many times over - both in terms of actually saving time in the long term and in avoiding mistakes while having a much better experience of a relationship.

As part of your preparation I recommend you prep up on blame and criticism in life, reading,  under Psychology, Overall, the Judge/Critic and No-Blame, and review all the materials on resentment, criticism, etc. under Relationships.  This is the destroyer of relationships, so you need to master that area. 
These were actual situations and this page is used for the purpose of answering them in a concrete referenceable way.