(TO READ FOOTNOTES in a document on the internet, under "view", click print layout, or, if that doesn't work, put the cursor over the footnote number and read the footnote.)
CONFLICT - Read the comments in this section.
BOUNDARIES AND ABUSE - Often we don't set boundaries, even accept abuse, and sometimes, unthinkingly, we do it.
METHODS OVERALL - A number of methods to use to improve problem solving, lower conflct and assure better communication.
INTRODUCTION
CONFLICT IS THE SYMPTOM, NOT THE CAUSE!
You can't "solve" things at the symptom level. Please remember that you must solve the underlying cause by "completing" it, otherwise you'll just get to have it over and over and over and over... See and religiously use the conflict resolution tools
Remember: "Whenever there is an “upset” in a relationship, there is an implicit psychological threat in the “atmosphere” and rationality tends to be reduced at least somewhat and often seemingly totally.
When rationality is reduced, the possible effectiveness of communication diminishes substantially and the emotions are ready to flare into greater emotion or continued irrationality that could possibly damage the relationship." As excerpted from: Time-Outs As A Communication Tool.
CONFLICT - We'll be pulling these out to be separate. Meanwhile the relevant pieces are
included in the "overall", above. Many of the Methods, in the separate section below,
relate to conflict - select the ones you think are appropriate to the need.
See also the "Upsets" section.
Defining the problem that is going on and dealing with it. A worksheet to help you
work it all out.
think someone is opposing them when that is just not so. To clear this up,
distinctions are made, examples are given, and a worksheet format helps one
distinguish what is happening and what to do about it.
BOUNDARIES AND ABUSE:
continue where it shouldn't be allowed! You might be surprised to find out you do it,
unthinkingly.
to stop negative remarks. Negative remarks around another is a form of abuse.
very effective way of stopping abuse of any sort. Just do it!!!
UPSETS AND RESULTANT BEHAVIORS (Section not completed yet, so also see the "OVERALL".)
responsibility.
page quiz.
Seeing "what happened" and why, in a simple one page format. Also, the introduction
section explains the concepts of self-responsibility and how to implement it for a
better relationship.
any current upset in a relationship.
exercise.
make you upset, in a literal sense. This adds clarity in order to give you a choice in
the matter.
something you do, use this form to "complete" on it and to choose what to do.
blame and how to not offend your partner.
communicating, after committing to do this for a specified period and seeing the
difference in how you feel and interact. VERY POWERFUL!
METHODS, FORMATS, FORMS -
See also:
how is the relationship going.
It is best to keep a copy of each form in one of the Relationship Notebooks, so that you
can decide which ones to use. Of course, you may develop certain favorites and use
them almost all the time, as long as they work for you.
THE WIN-WIN PROBLEM/UPSET RESOLUTION PROCESS - This is the key process
you should use forever and ever to have your relationship become heavenly in a
relatively short periodl. See also the form, below, to print out to serve as a reminder
wallet card for following the process.
positive process, where accountability is not a "blame" thing and where one can be
positively assertive.
share it with your partner, settle on solutions that will work for both of you. Very
effective.
process using the long form, use this form for your discussions.
Session - This is the format for it. Remarkably effective.
Some of the key points that helped tie it together.
Withdrawals - Each of you fill this out to let the other know what actions and
behaviors are important to you, so that each of you know how to contribute
meaningfully to each other and avoid what is a big withdrawal from feeling loved.
Don't waste any more time doing some things that don't mean anything to your
partner!
- Identify what is needed and wanted to make the relationship work for you, decide
what is most vital, and then make appropriate requests.
blame and how to not offend your partner.
communicating, after committing to do this for a specified period and seeing the
difference in how you feel and interact. VERY POWERFUL!
Reality Check - When you've reacted to something where you might have assumed
another person was thinking or intending something and you want to verify it or find
out what was actually going on.
completely "haveable" way.
everything that comes to mind then prioritize importance and urgency. See also
"Needs and Wants" approach, above.
Change Request Form, but with a slightly different tenor and approach.
allow us to convert to the "adult" mode, where problem solving can occur.
the truth, then you can be clearer on what is needed, including a request of your
partner.
longer version.
forms used.
"self-realization" and acknowledgement of doing something that doesn't work,
since it upsets my partner.
missed. This form helps identify where the problem is that should be best solved for
the biggest payoff.
and use it for a prompter to take out of your wallet to make sure you follow the
process.
